You guys. Fifty Shades Darker is not, I repeat, is not a spin-off of Grey’s Anatomy. There’s no McSteamy or McDreamy. Just McBroodey and McBadWriting. I know Grey’s Anatomy had that spin-off before. With the red headed doctor. And I think Tim Daly. And Taye Diggs maybe? Damn, he’s a fucking good looking mother fucker. […]

Read more "FIFTY SHADES DARKER … More Like FIFTY BRAINCELLS DEADER, Am I Right?"

I lost a bet* and challenged Friend 1, who won the bet, to find a worst movie for me to review than United Passions, which is possibly the worst movie I’ve ever seen. Confident in the fact that his own abilities are lacking, Friend 1 decided to reach out to Friend 2 — who he […]

Read more "THE COLOR OF TIME – Rose are Red, Violets are Blue, Some Movies Suck, and Some Other Movies Also Suck"

[Transcriber’s Note: Guys, this is long as shit. Like 13 pages, almost 7,500 hundred words long. I’m gonna edit this down and put a tighter version up on Pajiba. But Book Report Bets deserve the whole thing. Dive in at your own risk.] Ok, here’s the deal. It is Sunday night. It’s a little after […]

Read more "The Drunken Misadventures of Watching Mac and Me"

For this book report, I’ve decided to adapt a third grade Book Report Form I found online. Let’s get to it. Title of Movie: United Passions Writers: Frédéric Auburtin, Jean-Paul Delfino Director: Frédéric Auburtin Setting – Where does the story take place? Somewhere between Dante’s third and fourth circles of hell. That is, squarely between […]

Read more "United Passions Is a Very Faithful Telling of FIFA’s Origin, Insofar As It Is as Much a Festering Pile of Shit as the Federation Itself"

The best novels have deeper themes lurking beneath the surface of their plots. In addition, as a local desert sheriff tells us in the opening beats of Rubber, “[a]ll great films, without exception, contain an important element of ‘no reason.’” Rubber astoundingly digs deeps for incredibly poignant themes while managing to also boil over with […]

Read more "Rubber – Michelin and Goodyear Can Get Fucked"