Here is the entire movie – not just the trailer – I highly encourage you to not watch it. Well this one is going to be a doozy. This will be the first “documentary” I will have reviewed under book report bets. This film has been an incredibly frustrating watch for lots of reasons and […]

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Gamer, ahh (or should is say aghh!) the timeless tail of rebels fighting the government, man vs. the machine, free will, the gladiatorial arena, or is it a more modern cautionary tale about the prison industrial complex? Truth be told, its all of these things in their most terrible form. The cast in this movie […]

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GIRL, YOU CANT GET NO INFECTION IN YO BOOTY HOLE! This all started when I went to the Renaissance Faire (that’s Faire with an ‘e’). As my friends and I walked through the streets of olde towne we met characters of all sorts and sizes. Many shopkeepers calling their wares from a distance and many […]

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Scene Opens: A hunter is walking through a forest and slowly stumbles. Camera pans and we realize why he stumbled, he was shot. Is this why the movie is called Natural Selection? Have the animals evolved? Do the hunters become the hunted? We shall see… This is maybe the worst book report I’ve had to […]

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“Welcome to Fernfield, where anything is possible” reads a sign as we follow a happy go-lucky lab through town in the opening sequence.  And the sign is right, or nearly right, anything in Air Bud: World Pup is possible…that is, except for any semblance of a plot, writing skill, parenting, or logic but I reckon […]

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INT. STUDIO EXECUTIVE OFFICE CIRCA 2011. A cliched STUDIO CHIEF sits at his desk, chomping a Cigar and reading the latest Variety. Suddenly the door bursts open and a lowly DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE charges in, huffing and puffing. DEVELOPMENT EXECUTIVE Sir, I’ve got a great script you need to read right now! This is it! STUDIO […]

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So here it is, the last and final book report for this atrocious Pixels vs Emoji bet. In some ways I have put this movie off and in some ways I have saved it for last. The other movies assigned to me are what I consider traditionally bad. This one could go either way. I […]

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Title: Eegah Tagline: The Crazed Love of a Prehistoric Giant for a Ravishing Teenage Girl! Budget: N/A Box Office: -$10MM? Key Actors: Jaws from Moonraker Blonde Boy with a smooshed face aka Ugly Kid aka UK Harlot named Roxy Shitty Alan Quartermaine aka Roxy’s Dad Synopsis: The movie starts with an ugly kid pumping gas […]

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This movie is a modern day Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello beach film, minus the charm or talent, and with a lot more songs about being slutty.  It’s a fish-out-of-water story about a girl from Texas (Kelly Clarkson) who heads to Spring Break in the big city of Fort Lauderdale, Florida, only to meet a party promoter (Justin Guarini) who is her “complete” opposite. Except that sometimes the Texas girl just wants to get dirty on the dance floor and sometimes the bad-boy party promoter uses his earnings from hosting bikini contests to pay for textbooks. So really, they’re more alike than at first glance.  It’s truly a romance for the ages.

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This movie is about murder. This movie is about totalitarian governments. This movie is about the downtrodden masses who only yearn for work. This movie is about police brutality. This movie is about vengeful gods. This movie is about assimilation. This movie is about consumerism. This movie is about America. ☹ Title: The Emoji Movie […]

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