The Emoji Movie

This movie is about murder. This movie is about totalitarian governments. This movie is about the downtrodden masses who only yearn for work. This movie is about police brutality. This movie is about vengeful gods. This movie is about assimilation. This movie is about consumerism. This movie is about America. ☹

Title: The Emoji Movie

Tagline: Not Easy Being Meh

Budget: $50MM

Box Office: Opening Weekend: $25MM

Best Line: “Quiet! You sassy gypsy!” or “Throw some sauce on that dance burrito”

Key Actors:

  • Erlich Bachman
  • Carpool Singing Guy
  • Blonde Girl from Scary Movie
  • Dolores Umbridge
  • Captain Picard

Synopsis: This movie is about Meh. Meh lives in Textoplis. Meh is an emoji in Alex’s phone and is responsible for making the right face when scanned when Alex texts. Meh gets scared and emotes multiple emojis looking da fool that he is. Dolores Umbridge is the smiley emoji and she’s a mean bitch that likes to kill. She calls a board meeting to execute Meh for his mess up. She likes to brush, floss, rinse, and MURDER people. Meh has a mom meh and a dad meh. I forget their names but don’t worry they are stupid and don’t matter.

When Meh is told he is going to be iced he runs and stumbles upon hi-5 emoji. Hi-5 is a dumbass that talks way too much. Hi-5 and Meh run as fast as they can to the loser lounge where they find eggplant emoji playing games with grandma. I don’t know how this is a kid’s movie (no one in the theater laughed except me when I saw those two together – you shut up! #blessed #effyou)

In the loser lounge the say hi to tea and are yelled at because he is coffee not tea. They learn that a mysterious ultra-fifth wave-feminist hacker named Jailbreak can help reprogram them. Hi-5 gets to go back to the favorites lounge and Meh will only be a Meh emoji.  I feel bad for TJ Miller, this is an awful movie.

Jailbreak basically takes everyone on a wild goose chase through the apps on the phone’s apps. They go from WeChat to Candy Crush to Just Dance to Spotify to Dropbox to THE CLOUD. I don’t think anyone knows what the cloud is. People are retarded and kids laugh at times during the movie that aren’t meant to be funny. I don’t think they got the jokes. I am ashamed of Captain Picard and his terrible poop jokes, I hope he got paid a lot.

After a lot of product placement and some terrible dance numbers they get to the cloud and return back without reprogramming themselves. We learn along the way that Jailbreak is actually the Princess emoji Meh gets their just in time to do some stupid bullshit emoji and save the day and help Alex get the girl. #blessed

Analysis: There is a Rage Against The Machine song called “Know Your Enemy” There is a section in it:

Yes, I know my enemies!
They’re the teachers who taught me to FIGHT me!
Compromise! Conformity! Assimilation! Submission!
Ignorance! Hypocrisy! Brutality! The elite!

ALL of which are American dreams!
ALL of which are American dreams!
ALL of which are American dreams!
ALL of which are American dreams!

After watching this movie I know who my enemy is and what they represent:

Compromise: Mom Meh
Conformity: Meh
Assimilation: Dad Meh
Submission: Smiley
Ignorance: Hi-5
Hypocrisy: Poop
Brutality: Police Murder Bots
The Elite: Jailbreak aka Princess Emoji

Review: This one gets a D #blessed.

This book report was the biggest loss in history. It was 7 way action with 2:1 odds that Pixels would have a better opening than the Emoji Movie. It’s a sad world where this didn’t happen. While I enjoyed Pixels, my faith in humanity has dropped to a new low.

This is Book Report 5 of 7 for this bet. ☹


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