The Space Between Us

So here it is, the last and final book report for this atrocious Pixels vs Emoji bet. In some ways I have put this movie off and in some ways I have saved it for last. The other movies assigned to me are what I consider traditionally bad. This one could go either way. I love a ton of science fiction movies that have bad reviews, especially ones about Mars like Red Planet and Mission to Mars. I have a feeling this one is going to be less science fiction and more shitty romance.

Title: The Space Between Us

Tagline: What’s Your Favorite Thing About Earth?

Budget: $30MM

Box Office: $7.8MM

Best Line: “I was scared I wouldn’t know how to be human; you make me human <3”

Key Actors:

  • Commissioner Gordon
  • literally no one else I could recognize from another tv show or movie

Synopsis:

Movie starts off with a hussy astronaut captain who gets knocked up before the most historic mission in the history of mankind. They end up hushing the whole pregnancy and the team of six astronauts successfully land on mars. Upon landing, she goes into labor and waddles her way into an already setup operating room. She births a boy and then immediately dies because she’s lazy and doesn’t want to raise a child.

Flash forward fifteen years, he’s a grown teenager. He’s a hacker who designed his own AI robot (who for some reason doesn’t obey him). He likes to chat with an Orphan girl who lives in Tulsa who is named Tulsa. Her dad is a drunk crop duster (can you say Independence Day).   Well, he throws an emo tantrum and his barren astronaut guardian mother decides to let him have an operation to have carbon nanotubes wrapped around his bones. I’m not sure why they went to the trouble to do that when they could have just used adamantium like wolverine and then he would be indestructible.

He ends up flying home and escapes a NASA quarantine to greyhound station where he catches a ride to Colorado to see Tulsa. She helps him escape the big bad government men in the crop duster which they end up crashing into a barn which explodes in a way Michael Bay would be proud. The explosion seemed as gratuitous as his Victoria Secrets commercial.

The rest of this movie is basically a chase between Commissioner Gordon and the barren astronaut and the kid and tulsa. They drove all over the middle of country. Once to a diner, next to a Walmart, then off to an Indian shaman.

WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS?!

I hope this guy’s heart explodes because of gravity or something.

They describe Las Vegas as a big toy. This guy doesn’t seem to like Las Vegas which makes him a bad apple in my book.

He ends up finding his father which turns out is not actually his father its his uncle! What a twist! This could be an M. Night movie.

Once he finds this out he tries to drown himself. But before he does, Commissioner Gordon reveals that he is Gardner’s father! WHAT A TWIST!!! I just seriously ruined the movie for you.

Well since his heart is so big, they have to fly him into outer space so they can cancel gravity’s effects.

WHO THE FUCK WROTE THIS?!

Barren Astronaut Lady adopts Tulsa! WHHHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTT A TWWWWWWISSSSSSTTTTTT!

Analysis:

There is not a ton to say about this movie that is positive other than there some beautiful scenes of hot air balloons and country side. The casting is atrocious, the writing is awful, the characters are totally flat, and the music in the movie is noticeably bad. Like distracting enough that you ask, why is this music playing now.

Martian dude also moves super fast, first date, they steal a truck and some clothes from Walmart and he has her in the sack.

Tulsa boosts a lot of cars.

What’s my favorite thing about Planet Earth? Tacos.

Review: This movie was ok, pretty bad but not traditionally bad. I give it a C-

 

This book report was the biggest loss in bookreportbets.com history. It was 7 way action with 2:1 odds that Pixels would have a better opening than the Emoji Movie. It’s a sad world where this didn’t happen. While I enjoyed Pixels, my faith in humanity has dropped to a new low.

This is Book Report 7 of 7 for this bet. 😊

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