Title: Eegah

Tagline: The Crazed Love of a Prehistoric Giant for a Ravishing Teenage Girl!

Budget: N/A

Box Office: -$10MM?

Key Actors:

  • Jaws from Moonraker
  • Blonde Boy with a smooshed face aka Ugly Kid aka UK
  • Harlot named Roxy
  • Shitty Alan Quartermaine aka Roxy’s Dad

Synopsis: The movie starts with an ugly kid pumping gas and a harlot named Roxy (who is his girl) who pulls up in a sports car. She shows off her new bikini and gets the ugly kid all riled up. They race down the road and she ends up hitting a caveman. When she sees him, she immediately faints. I think she might have low blood pressure. Ugly Kid (UK) races up to find Roxy fainted and she immediately regains consciousness and tells him that a Giant Caveman almost kidnapped her.

After some discussion and heavy skepticism, Roxy’s dad, a shitty version Alan Quartermaine, decides to go looking for the Eegah in the desert. UK tries to get Alan to go in his wicked sweet dune buggy but he tells him he wants to fly in a shitty helicopter instead. UK is very upset about this and will eventually take Roxy out in the desert in order to put the moves on her.

Alan gets kidnapped like a scene out of Misery and Roxy and UK go looking for him, Roxy eventually gets kidnapped as well by Eegah and UK is left wandering the open desert looking for both people. While Roxy and her dad are trapped in Eegah’s cave, alongside his dead and desiccated family, she decides that she wants to sing to dad and give him a straight razor shave. One would hope she would channel Sweeny Todd here.

Eegah gets interested in what’s going on and demands a shave himself. Roxy of course obliges cause she’s a hussy. She ends up leading him on and he does what cavemen are known to do and her creepy dad encourages the whole scene.  Roxy is unwilling to do the deed in front of her old man so Eegah takes him outside the cave and beats the hell out of him.  Just then UK shows up and starts firing multiple rounds out a two shot shotgun. They eventually knock Eegah down and race to the Dune Buggy that UK is so proud of, except now the damn thing can’t scale any of the dunes! BTW UK’s stupid dune buggy has tires full of water.

The whole thing concludes with a battle royale at a swell sock hop. Eegah comes in and beats the hell out of everyone like the undertaker! The cops show up and pump Eegah full of lead.

The End.

Analysis: This movie has a secret creep factor. The girl is a total tease, the kid is supes ugly, the dad pimps his daughter out, and Eegah is in such a way that he’s ready to fornicate with a mannequin. Eegah talks with his dead parents and of course cap the whole thing off with some causal Police Brutality (STOP RESISTING). Honestly, this was a tough one to write about. Hard to have a hot take on a piece of garbage like this. The movie feels a little rapey, has poor production quality, terrible casting, and a bad plot.

An interesting aspect to this film is the way they rounded out the finale – this movie closes with a passage from the old testament. An unorthodox way to end a movie but I suppose it makes sense in the context of this film. He quotes the book of Genesis, Chapter 4, Verse 32. Turns out there is no verse 32, which leads me to believe that the creators of this movie were reading from some satanic bible instead of a traditional one. I couldn’t verify this due to the fact I don’t have a satanic bible nor do I want to internet search for one as that sounds scary. This will be a mystery left for the ages.

You can watch the whole movie here:

Review: This one gets a F

This book report was the biggest loss in history. It was 7 way action with 2:1 odds that Pixels would have a better opening than the Emoji Movie. It’s a sad world where this didn’t happen. While I enjoyed Pixels, my faith in humanity has dropped to a new low.

This is Book Report 6 of 7 for this bet. ☹

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