Gamer

Gamer, ahh (or should is say aghh!) the timeless tail of rebels fighting the government, man vs. the machine, free will, the gladiatorial arena, or is it a more modern cautionary tale about the prison industrial complex? Truth be told, its all of these things in their most terrible form. The cast in this movie is a little ridiculous. Not sure who the producer was but they did a great job of rallying almost A-listers to the screen. Dexter plays the bad guy, my boy G-butler plays the good guy named Kable, that’s Kable with a K.  The secondary protagonist is Simon, the “player” and the secondary bad guy is Terry “Old Spice” Crews, who plays a lunatic with no strings attached meaning he has no player.

Dexter runs a cyber empire that gets 650MM pay per view subs an event for every match of Slayers. Slayers is the biggest game ever where prisoners sentenced to death row can earn their freedom. Clearly, one immediately starts to wonder if these people have been sentenced fairly.

The pivotal scene in this movie is when Kable, that’s Kable with a K, shotguns an entire bottle of grain liquor and then vomits and pisses it back into a truck gas tank as fuel. He then steals the truck, runs over old spice and escapes the game.

The movie goes downhill from here. I could practically write it as it is so cliché.

Lets get list of the clichés out of the way that this movie shows off:

  • Latency aka Ping
  • Hackers
  • Neckbeards
  • Catfishing
  • Internet Trolls
  • Teabagging
  • Weapons Loadout a la Counter Strike
  • Tits
  • Ass
  • Misogyny
  • Terry Crews
  • John Leguizamo
  • LUDA! – Leader of the Hooo-MANZ
  • Motorcycles that jump over Stuff – this is pre-XXX mind you
  • Crazy Camera Angles
  • Crazy Instagram Style Filters
  • Gibs! So many gibs – unreal tournament style

Anyway, back to gratuitous gun violence, rape, and misogyny. There is seriously so much strobe lighting in this film that I had to look away at times to prevent having a seizure. Eventually the suspicions are confirmed true, they tested the mind control on Kable, had him kill his friend, then charged him with murder. WOAH, who would have seen that coming…. Something super annoying about such a predictable story line.

Just when you thought this movie couldn’t get worse, it launches into some deranged Sinatra song and dance number. As the kids say these days: I can’t even.

The final boss fight is pitiful. I do not recommend this movie to anyone.

This bet was lost on a very personal matter that isn’t for internet publishing but suffice it to say, I was on the moral side of the bet and even though I lost and had to watch this hot piece of garbage I am very happy that it all worked out in the end <3.

This movie isn’t the worst I’ve seen but it is pretty far up there since I should have enjoyed the subject matter. I give it a D+.

GAME OVER – INSERT COIN

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