GIRL, YOU CANT GET NO INFECTION IN YO BOOTY HOLE!
This all started when I went to the Renaissance Faire (that’s Faire with an ‘e’). As my friends and I walked through the streets of olde towne we met characters of all sorts and sizes. Many shopkeepers calling their wares from a distance and many entertainers drawing crowds to their booths of whimsy and merry. None of this interested our travelling party.
Jon and I in particular were in a competitive mood and need to test ourselves in a battle of wits, skill, and guile; so we decided to play darts. Now the first round of throws resulted in a tie; I wasn’t expecting much competition so I was throwing with a lackadaisical effort. On the second round, I realized that Jon was trying with all his might and skill and in an effort to not shame him in front of his newborn son, I purposefully and with full intention, matched his skill and points. This resulted in the Moss Addendum being invoked and both of us being forced to watch Girl’s Trip. Although we didn’t make it to the theater to watch it together, I decided to watch it now to ensure I won the tie breaker.
This leads us from one gangly group of young and handsome men enjoying mead and each others company at the Renaissance Faire to the Flossy Posse travelling to New Orleans for the Essence Festival. This is Girl’s Trip. Given the location of the bet and the obvious nature of the party we will be retelling the story of Girl’s Trip using character classes from Dungeons and Dragons (5th edition of course).
The Flossy Posse consists of 4 women: 1) The Fornicator aka The Barbarian 2) The Prude aka The Paladin 3) The Gossip aka The Bard and 4) The Capitalist aka The Sorcerer (it’s possible she could have been a Warlock but didn’t seem evil enough for it). Its an unusual set of base class pairings to begin with but serviceable. Lets see how these ladies do.
The party’s quest starts off on the road to the Big Easy. They roll for a set of libations to bless the start of their quest. The Barbarian rolls a 14 and is rewarded with multiple shots of whiskey and tequila.
As they arrive in New Orleans the Bard is greeted by a messenger, is it good news or bad?! She rolls a losing 7 bringing bad news. It turns out that the Sorcerer’s Consort is cheating on her.
Upon hearing the news, the rest of the party is angered and ultimately reveal the betrayal to the sorceress. They decide to make their way to the closest Inn to rest. Arriving at the famous Inn Monteleone they visit the connect Carousel Tavern and see the cheating Consort. The Barbarian still infuriated rolls to activate her Bezerker Rage- she rolls a 17 and gains a +7 to THAC0 . She breaks a bottle and threatens the consort. Consort rolls a saving throw and the local constable evicts the Barbarian.
This pattern continues throughout the film. The party is cursed like one of them has the fizbin of misfortune. Everything from public urination to bar fights, these girls lose at everything.
This quest was doomed to fail from the start, just like Jon’s chances of winning the Moss Addendum