The Great Wall

In the Ancient days Giant lizards fought desperately to save their land and queen from Asian terrorists hell bent on blowing up their home with black powder. The terrorists’ campaign of carnage happens every 60 years and this time they have been camping behind a huge wall massing thousands of pounds of black powder and sewing and coloring ridiculous costumes to our Reptilian friends. When the heroic Reptilians seem to be winning the battles and the tides of war seem to be shifting to factions of good the Asian horde employees the aid of an American Archer named William (played by Oscar winning actor Matt Damon) and a Mexican Swordsman and Thief named Tovar (played by Golden Derby Award winning actor Pedro Pascal – this is the same guy who got his head smashed in by the Mountain in Game of Thrones).

Long story short, arch villains William and Tovar make a pact with the evil monk named Ballard (played by Georgia Film Critics Association Award winning Willem Dafoe) – Note: I had no idea that his name was not William, it is Willem. Very odd. They hatch a plan to trick the Asian terrorist army into hiring them as mercenaries and when the battle is on they will steal the black powder and run away.

During this plan, William has a change of heart and decides to help the Asian army because a pretty lady general winked at him. He does some trick archery shots and discovers that magnets make our reptilian friends sleepy.

All of this leads to the conclusion of the movie where the barbarian horde is chasing after the Lizard Queen who intends to put an end to this terrible conflict once and for all by eliminating the feckless, cowardly, and indolent Asian emperor. The mercenaries and the pretty Asian general  fly on structurally unsound giant lanterns to drop grenades and magnets on the queen. The Lizard People haven’t developed antiaircraft technology yet so it was a little unfair.

They end up winning and kill the Queen Mother. The Lizard People have now relocated to America and live amongst us in positions of power in the government and the banks.

This movie is very impressive. Impressively boring that is. For all the budget and all the fighting it was incredibly predictable with the one exception of how many times the word “Amigo” was uttered in the script. I think the writers didn’t just mail it in they just probably winged it for the whole movie. I was forced to watch this movie in the theater and I rarely want to walk out of movies in middle of them but I would have in this case if I didn’t lose a bet. UGH.

This bet is part one of a terrible two part bet where I gave 2:1 odds to @chairmanbau that La La Land would win the Oscar for best picture. In a freak event – the 2016 Oscar was given to La La Land but then viciously torn away and awarded to Moonlight. Some shithead from Price Water House Coopers gave the wrong envelope and the thing got called incorrectly. Not only did he fuck up the Oscars but he messed up my bet!

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