Real Steel

So I am watching Real Steel. I lost a bet and I need to just pull the band aid off with this one so I will be creating a rhetorical stream of consciousness while the film is playing on my tv.

The movie starts off with our boy Hugh driving a big rig through Kansas or something to a shitty county fair. (Danny Elfman did the music on this film?!)

Multiple bottles of Budweiser (King of Beers) – nice product placement bud. Looks like Ambush – a dilapidated robot boxer is going to fight a cow. How the hell did this make sense? Peta must have had an aneurism.

Hugh just sold his kid for a $100k. He’s gonna use $45k of it to buy a robot called noisy boy. Noisy boy is a Japanese fighting robot and he is about to fight in an underground robot boxing ring. By the way the alteration and puns in this movie are out of control.

Now that we are watching actual boxing matches and not robot vs. cows I am getting worried that the finale of this movie is going to end a winner by decision. I’m not even sure if that’s possible with robot boxing but it is a boxing movie. So the first fight was pretty good. Noisy Boy vs. Midas. There was no hugging and lots of big haymakers ending in a decapitation.

Hugh is pretty mean to his son. He made his son drink a red bull and then yelled at him and then forced him to break into a junkyard where he nearly fell to his death. But an errant robot arm saved him. THIS IS DRAMATIC FORESHADOWING! That arm belongs to the robot that will win the match at the end of the movie. It will likely be a Generation 1 robot cause that’s old and unwanted but this will be the redeeming lesson of the movie. Old things don’t need to be thrown out.

Max saved the robot. Now comes the montage scenes I bet.  Whoops, looks like he is a Generation 2 robot! Montage scene starting off with a hose down. This robot looks stupid, as in mentally challenged.

THE ROBOT’S NAME IS ATOM! THIS MOVIE IS PRETTY GREAT NOW. I HOPE ATOM DESTROYS ALL.

Alright the final villain has been revealed. It is ZEUS. Zeus is designed by an anime character. He basically took a long trip out of final fantasy 15 to come and program robots.

They are now working their way up through the ranks to fight ZEUS. I feel good Atom will win, likely with the shadow boxing functionality in play. It will be Hugh Jackman shadow boxing vs ZEUS and his AI.

I’m not crazy about all this dancing nonsense when they enter the ring but the bot’s name is Atom so I will go with it.

I swear to god, if this match ends by decision I will be so pissed. The ring girls are TRON rejects.

 

FUCK THIS MOVIE. after 5 rounds it went to the judges cards. 

This book report was lost because The Color of Money wasn’t as bad of a movie as United Passions.

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