The Guardian

jake

Jake Fischer:

You talking about Ben? I mean seriously, why would you bring that up again? I didn’t want to drop him! I tried so hard to hold on to him. I’m swole af; I should have been able to hang on to him! After that drunk harlot Maggie ruined my game and told my date that story about how badass Ben was when he held on to that guy for the whole helicopter flight I knew I could do it to. Ben trained me well and he pushed me hard. He pushed me so hard in fact that I beat most of his records. In the end though, no matter how many of his records I broke, I just couldn’t hold on to his hand. He fell into the icy pacific and there isn’t a day I don’t regret it, mostly cause I’d like to lord it over him how I saved his life. It would be so cool, to have him owe me a blood debt like that. You think he would have gone for that? Kinda like Chewbacca owes Han Solo? I wonder if Ben has even seen Star Wars, he’s kinda lame sauce so maybe not. But if he does buy into this blood debt situation, that would have been sweet… I mean, it’s tragic that he died and I can only honor his memory by losing less than 22 people on my watch.

ben

Ben Randall (Ghost)

This fucking guy. Roided out, hot shot, ivy league pool boy think he can break all my records does he? FUCK THAT. He comes to class late and he swims so fast that he breaks all my swimming records. He holds his breath so long he breaks those records too but I will be damned if he breaks my record of holding on to a dude for 20 minutes on a helicopter flight with just the tips of my fingers?! I’M MOTHERFUCKING SENIOR CHIEF BEN RANDALL, HOOO RAH! What jakey didn’t know while he had his eye shut so tight holding on to my hand was I was quietly unstrapping my glove.

My play was this, I just saved his dumbass from drowning *inside* the boat – and for those of you who don’t know rescue swimmers are *never* supposed to go inside the boat, but this showoff had to go looking for more people to save, ugh, so he should have never been down there. Well, I, SENIOR CHIEF, BEN RANDALL, do some senior chiefing and save his ass and now he owes me one like Chewie owes Han. A few minutes later when things go south and I’m stuck holding his effeminate Donald Trumpesque hand, I figured, best to punch the clock now, turn into a ghost, and haunt this bitch for the rest of his career (with the added bonus of him not breaking my hand holding record). So now I am the Guardian. For the most part I’m a cool guy ghost, but I’m in it for the long haul. I ended my career with 22 people I didn’t save. I’m going to make sure finishes his career with 23+ even if I have to drown a few folks. Jake will never get the best of SENIOR CHIEF BEN RANDALL, HOO-RAH.

This was the first ever book report bet. It was a prop bet at the start of the film Allied starring Brad Pitt and Marion Cotilliard. The bet was whether or not Marion was working for the Germans or not. I chose poorly.

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