Santa with Muscles

As Maximus Decimus Meridius, the commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife said:  “I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next.” (for making me watch this movie)

BTW, Chris nice job for ruining my YouTube recommendations. I spent so much time watch this POS that all I will see on YouTube is more hot garbage like this. Thanks.

Title: Santa with Muscles

Tagline: He’s naughty, He’s nice, and He’s coming to save Christmas   — OR — He’s arrived in the St. Nick of time!

Budget: whatever it was, it was too much.

Box Office: ☹

Key Actors:

  • Creepy Little Blonde Girl
  • Hulk Hogan
  • Ed Bagley Jr.
  • Saavik
  • Jackie from that 70s show
  • That super Cajun guy from the Waterboy

Synopsis: A musclebound protein shake selling bro runs from the yokel cops and ends up getting concussed. He then finds himself not being a bro but rather being SANTA WITH MUSCLES. He soon finds out that Ed Bagley Jr. is after the local orphanage. There is a secret beneath the catacombs under the orphanage, its full of piezo-electric quartz. It’s also highly unstable and might blow up the entire orphanage but I will make you watch this dumbass movie to find out if it does. Turns out that Ed and Hulk are both orphans from this same orphanage and papa midnight is the only one who knew. Ed has his 4 horseman of the apocalypse  fighting for him – evil doctor who knows kung fu, crazy geologist with a drill, gas man who sprays methane on everyone, and electrogirl who has gloves that can shock people. This has to be the stupidest group of super villains ever and I’ve seen all the DC movies (Marvel for life bitches!). Any way, hulk fights them, fights a sumo wrestler, and finally fights Ed.

Watch the whole movie here:


I think this movie is Nazi propaganda. Its screwing with my brain cells like some occult experiment out of the Hellboy or Wolfenstein universe. All the characters are super white and the only black guy in the movie is almost a caricature. The police are armed with military grade weapons like RPGs and the cops are violent about their enforcement of simple rules. The little creepy blonde girl prays to the fairies and the windows light up. I really am not sure what to make of this. The one constant in the whole movie is the Hulk forgets his lines a lot. He literally stammers most of the movie, so much so that I think he might have really been concussed.


“This movie is so bad, it’s actually considered cruel and unusual punishment under the U.S. Constitution. I wish I was exaggerating. If you want a Christmas movie, go watch Miracle on 34th Street or something. Just stay far, far, FAR, I can’t emphasise [sic] this enough, FAR AWAY from this horrifyingly bad film. You’ve heard the phrase “So bad, it’s funny”? Well, this transcends “So bad, it’s funny” and ends up just being horrible.” This was a review from IMDb that basically summed up my emotional state. Its strange how two strangers on the internet could connect so closely on something so tragic.

This movie gets a F-

This book report was the biggest loss in history. It was 7 way action with 2:1 odds that Pixels would have a better opening than the Emoji Movie. It’s a sad world where this didn’t happen. While I enjoyed Pixels, my faith in humanity has dropped to a new low.

This is Book Report 3 of 7 for this bet. ☹

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